one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
