I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
nutella sex= disaster
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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