A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
