So drunk, too bad you don't want this
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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