Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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