I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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