On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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