yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
