can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
