remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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