I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
it's like iHOP with fire
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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