i permit you to call me
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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