i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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