Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
