I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
