I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
