I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
