One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
