so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
