this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
