Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Couch. On fire.
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