Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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