I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
