On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
