i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
