oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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