Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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