You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize