I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
A+ Viking dick
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
