1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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