Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
