o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
