Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
