Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
BRING THE BAGELS
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
