be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
