At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I deserve this hangover.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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