My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
