first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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