shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
