last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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