In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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