It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
