So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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