youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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