I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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