Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
