my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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