I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I have aggressive nipples.
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