I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
