make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
