I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
